____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
