I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
