He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize