How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
