Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
