Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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