I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize