Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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