i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
