Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
