Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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