I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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