i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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