Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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