so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
