I am spending my child support on dildos
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
