Define "chronic" masturbator.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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