I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
