Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
