since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
