She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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