I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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