is your mom at the bar?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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