I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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