Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
