After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
