You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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