I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
