Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize