I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
