She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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