I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize