she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
