when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
