Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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