separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
