Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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