I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This is my gift to your gina
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
