its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize