And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
