apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
