The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
