I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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