I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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