I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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