Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
