Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dicks are not precious.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
