I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
