I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
