discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
