Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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