I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
