If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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