hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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