my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Let's get the cat blown out
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize