he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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