I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
